Sports

Whiny golfer is whiny

Patrick Reed

Patrick Reed
Photo: AP

Perhaps it’s being too glib about the real-world implications of something like LIV Golf — the insidiousness of a very small and already entitled group of people all too happy to grab a huge bag of money while ignoring the source and results of such a thing is probably exactly how our society ended up as fucked as it is. And yet every time I read or hear something about yet another LIV-er losing his mud over something trivial and resorting to the courts to restore “his honor,” I can’t help but laugh. You can choke on the petulance, but then the “P” in “PGA” probably stands for petulance.

Maybe it’s because we know the amount of money any golfer of name got, and the idea that something so minuscule as the things they’re bitching about and suing people over can’t be salved by the obscene amounts of filthy lucre they’ve accepted is utterly ludicrous. Even the idea that these douche canoes can’t play on the PGA Tour, or may get locked out of the major tournaments, the nine-figure fees you got for literally just maintaining oxygen intake isn’t enough?

Patrick Reed is just the latest to shit himself, as he’s suing Golf Channel and commentator Brandon Chamblee for defamation, because Chamblee once called him a cheater during a tournament where Reed was penalized for…cheating. If you’ve watched Golf Channel for any more than four minutes, you know it’s impossible to imagine anyone on there saying anything more controversial than their saltine preference, but here we are. Reed’s contention is that thanks to Chamblee’s comments, he actually gets heckled on the course! No wonder he filled his pants! Heckled, you say!

I would invite Reed to play the public course not too far from my house, which is famous for having redwing blackbirds that attack golfers on the last three holes, and watch him absolutely choke on his own urine. Then maybe he wouldn’t feel so bad about the four golf fans in his time on the tour whose conversation Reed probably overheard rather than being actively heckled. I’m not sure I know anyone who has attended a golf tournament, but the ones I know who are capable just want to get drunk in the sun and maybe see if they can get a deal on a new set of irons. I wouldn’t know Patrick Reed if he rang my doorbell naked, and neither would most of America, which would seem to be a prerequisite to give him shit while he’s working. If Reed has been heckled, it’s probably just someone asking him, “Who the fuck are you” or “Where’s Rory?”

Reed isn’t the only one from the LIV cabal to try and gloss their name through lawsuits, though the others have gotten smacked down pretty hard so far. In a way, they’re the perfect microcosm of the type of people that are lighting this country on fire. They are the most pampered pro athletes around, and most of them would cave your skull in with their four iron if they caught you sneezing in their backswing. They then opted to be even more pampered and not even have to compete for their gobs of money by defecting to the LIV what-have-ya, with no consideration of where that money came from because hey it’s money and they don’t know anyone the Saudis have killed and fuck you it’s money. And when the noise about them doing so got loud enough, they lashed out at everyone and everything because they weren’t being worshiped as they once were and they still wanted all the privileges and opportunities they just turned their back on. They want everything and think they have it coming. Even to the point where Reed is going to sue over being criticized about a tournament he was penalized in. How dare you talk about what you’ve seen, Mr. Chamblee!

I hope the PGA Tour and LIV never come to detente, and we can watch these guys stamp their feet and throw their toys out of the pram forever. Then everyone will see them for what they are, not that it will matter much. These assholes always get what they want in the end.


If you’re looking for cracks in the Dodgers facade, and it’s really hard to see when a team leads the majors in both runs scored and runs allowed, here’s one:

With Clayton Kershaw unlikely to be back before the postseason, the Dodgers will be relying on a rotation that only has Julio Urias as a pitcher who isn’t way out over his skis in terms of amount of innings thrown. With Kimbrel’s waywardness (which he was as far back as 2018), the pen isn’t complete either. Y’know, if you need something. 

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