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Please, Mr. Postman, there are ways to keep from forever raising stamp prices

Hi Pal,

By the time you receive this letter, I probably won’t be legally responsible for any libelous comments. There’s a good chance the statute of limitations will have run out. That is, if you deliver the mail at the pace you have in the past.

Why don’t you check with Pizza Man? He delivers – and on time, too.

The reason for this cranky letter is your latest increase in postage. 60 cents! I can’t understand it. If the world is shrinking, why are you charging more for transporting mail?

It’s not that I’m unsympathetic to your problem (I am). It’s just that when I read how you must increase the rates again because there’s less volume because of a previous increase – plus email, IM, DMs and psychic messaging – and this new increase will keep more people from using the service, thus you will have to increase further, probably in a fortnight, well, it’s nuts!

But it isn’t hopeless. I have suggestions that may save you money in the future. Example:

Discontinue the school that teaches clerks to stay at the windows at rush hour exactly till closing time to the moment a customer reaches them, whereupon the clerk quickly closes up.

The system can’t be as efficient as you think. I’ve seen a couple of people make it to the window before the postal person put up the “closed” sign. That makes your guy so grumpy, he takes down his brother’s picture from the Most Wanted List.

Keep your customers happy if you are to have customers. Recently, I used your change-maker and was rejected. I inserted my dollar bill, and it was returned. No explanation, no kind word to indicate why it was returned.

Listen, I have feelings, too. If the machine has a prejudice against L’Oréal-type brunettes, why doesn’t it say so?

This suggestion concerns the placement of your mailboxes. Where the hell are they? We want more in the Village. Why do I need an Uber – I can’t afford gas – to drive me to drop one letter in my area’s mailbox?

Yes, I understand the difficulty in running an organization. I once was in charge of carpooling for a Brownie troop.

The fact that you can even assimilate and disburse all  our mail is impressive. Ya know, 60 cents is fair.

And I was thrilled to finally receive my copy of Collier’s magazine today.

Good luck!

S.W.A.K.

Humorologist Jan Marshall, a Village resident, is author of satirical survival books, including “Dancin’ Schmancin’ with the Scars. Finding the Humor No Matter What!” Jan also has written aspirational books for children, “The Littlest Hero” and “The Toothbrush Who Tried to Run Away.” Contact her at [email protected]

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